and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
