he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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