Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
