Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
