your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
two words...techno handjob
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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