the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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