i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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