They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Boobs are out for the taking
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
