He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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