I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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