My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
