WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The convent might be a nice break from real life
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize