I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She told me I should be a condom model.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
