Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
