I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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