At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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