Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
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