guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
