i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize