I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
