I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
