no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
