Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
