when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
