god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
