i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
