Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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