I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
