i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
