Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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