help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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