I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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