I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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