just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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