Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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