So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
