Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
