We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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