Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize