Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
