Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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