im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
