best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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