I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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