Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I am one with the molecules
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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