I need to stop coming to work sober
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
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