If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize