one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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