the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
