margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
