he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
