It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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