he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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