Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
