I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Randomize
