I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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