I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
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