So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
