I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
