can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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