Got a toothbrush?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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