Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
cat food counts as protein by the way
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
The air taste purple.
Randomize
