4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize