dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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