Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
