If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
We're too hungover to prance.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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