You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
