Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize