So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
