I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
