Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize