i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
