There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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