He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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