I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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