I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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